Welcome to the Widow Space

Hello and welcome. I'm sorry you're here.

I don't know what brought you here. Maybe you lost your spouse, maybe someone close to you did. It may have happened last week, last month, last year. It may have happened ten years ago. Regardless of when this tragedy occurred, it doesn't matter. Grief is grief. It doesn't go away.

Let's start with why I'm here.

New Year's Day 2017, I brought my husband of 79 days to the emergency room. He had been experiencing chest pain and alternating sweats and chills for weeks. He was waiting for our "good insurance" to kick in and refused to go to the hospital until we could afford it. Less than 24 hours later he was gone, and after just 80 days of marriage I was a widow.

What followed were some of the darkest times of my life. I made poor choices. I hurt myself. I was reckless and selfish and consumed by pain. When I wasn't numbing myself I was in emotional agony. The fucked up and truly incredible thing is that I'm grateful.

I'm grateful for those shitty years and shitty experiences because it showed me who I was. It showed me all my deepest darkest parts. It showed me how I had been living my life. It showed me I could do and be better.

People often ask me how I got through it. The short answer: I don't know. The slightly longer answer: one day at a time. And hopefully over the course of this project I'll have a longer answer still. An answer that isn't just mine, but is yours. One that is ours.

I am now remarried and living a truly aligned and beautiful life. There's still work to do, there's still more to figure out. But I am grateful for where I am and how I got here. I wouldn't be here without my widowhood, without my first marriage, or without the work that I've put in between then and now.

Even though I am remarried, I still consider myself a widow. It's not something that goes away with a new marriage or a new life or any amount of happiness. I can't happy my way out of it. I will never have not lost my first husband. I'm a remarried widow, but a widow nonetheless.

I don't know what brought you here, Reader. Perhaps you're a fellow widow and are hoping for some answers or solace or community. Perhaps someone close to you has been widowed and you're trying to find a way to help. Perhaps you just like reading about widow shit. I do know, dear Reader, that you are not alone.

My intention with this podcast and this site is to help us connect. I'm here to share our stories, because they are beautiful and worthy of being heard. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that often people around me become uncomfortable when I start talking about my dead husband, even when the stories are light and funny and relevant. I'm here to provide a space for us to talk about widow shit. To talk about our loved ones and the journeys we've been on since their passing. This is a modern day widow space.

I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad you can join me on this journey.

All the best, you beautiful Phoenixes,

Avalon