When my husband died, I carried his ashes around with me for months. I figured I was carrying him around emotionally, might as well do it physically. I took him everywhere: to acting class, to the bar, to my friend's house, to the DMV. I travelled with him, including but not limited to: Las Vegas, New Orleans, Vermont, the Bahamas. A friend made me a sort of harness to make carrying him easier, kind of like a Baby Bjorn but for a bottle of cremains. I'd strap him on and carry him around, ole widow Avalon and her jar of husband.
It made a lot of people uncomfortable. When people would approach me at the bar and ask what it was (often men trying to hit on me, frequently people assuming it was a bottle of sand), and I'd reply "my husband," many would immediately turn around and leave. Apparently it gave off a special kind of crazy vibe. When people did stay to chat, it always led to a very interesting conversation. One time a fella asked a mutual friend behind my back "Does she have to do that? I mean, it's been two months..." (which in grief time is literally nothing, iykyk).
I have since been told I have an idiosyncratic way of dealing with things. Which. Valid. But what I've learned about grief is that from the outside it can look a little crazy. It's uncomfortable. People don't want to see it or be around it. And that's ok. That's for them to deal with. My job in that time was to survive, to make it to the next day. And a big part of how I did that was by keeping my husband's ashes near me. I don't know why that was how my grief manifested. Maybe it was comforting to have him near. Maybe it was a reminder that he was gone and I couldn't go looking for him elsewhere. Maybe it just made me feel less alone. Maybe I wanted people to see the emotional weight I was carrying, that by having a physical representation I could show them how much I was hurting. I don't know. I do know that it helped.
You're not crazy. You're grieving.
Yeah, sometimes grief looks the same as going crazy. It can look like carrying your husband's ashes around with you for months. It can look like breaking down in the grocery store. It can look like leaving your high paying job to sell seashells on the beach in Puerto Rico. It can look like hitting detonate on your social life.
It can also look like everyday life but in gray scale. It can look like not enjoying the things you used to. It can look like addiction. It can look like overwork and keeping busy. It can look like you've got it all together and you're doing just fine but on the inside you are falling apart. That's ok, too. That is still grief.
No one experiences grief exactly the same. It's gonna look different for everybody. It's going to feel different for everybody.
Your grief might make people uncomfortable. That's ok. That is for them to deal with. And in all truth, you are not alone. There is a whole community of us who have dealt with grief who are here for you. Grief can be lonely, but I don't believe it has to be.
And if you feel like you are going crazy, ask yourself this simple question: Am I "carrying-my-spouse's-ashes-around-everywhere-I-go" crazy? And if the answer is yes, then please message me because like I can't be the only one right? But also, remember that I got through it, and that means that you can, too. Even if you feel crazy, that's ok. It's part of it.